“In a good marriage, couples are like Tennis players, when one beats the ball to the other player, it must be returned. Once one stops returning the ball, the game is over.”
That is how communication among marrieds should be – a two-way traffic. One of the red flags of a marriage in problem is lack of swift communication between the couples. You make a phone call and it takes long to be answered. You text, no response. In the morning, you greet, and no response comes. Or the husband or wife just gets out of bed, and the next thing you hear is the gate opening. As you try to adjust, you realize one couple is always alone at the dinner table. And any questions of where you have been get a long response.
You can prevent all that.
Who do you marry?
For those who are already marriage, work on improving your marriage. I have got to understand that marrying while all of you are still starting out is better than when all of you are working and independent. The risks of ‘keeping admiring your earlier independent lives’ always pops up. Since you all can stand on your own, the bond of marriage is weak. You did not share the critical formative ‘story’ of struggling together and then making money together as a family.
Let me digress.
Each family that lasts long usually has a glue factor. The glue factor is something that both partners share which tends to always bring them together amid challenges. If couples struggled to get children and went through a painful process of trial and error, the glue point becomes the child or children they finally got after trying so hard. If the couples started early at University; where rejected by any of the parents but one of them stuck to their guts and finally marriage after University. Suffered initially, and with hard work and determination, made it as a family. That early experience of ‘reject, suffering without money and a new child, sticking together and working hard, and finally making it’ becomes a glue factor for the marriage. No one can easily break such a bond.
So, what is the glue factor in your marriage? Make sure you find one. Otherwise, your marriage is on a weak foundation. Go for an adventure in the forest and deliberately, get lost. And then have some adrenaline rush, and finally find each other. You will have created a strong memory for unbreakable marriage glue to take you through life’s downs. Your marriage needs a glue.
The first step is to have a clear picture of profile of the kind of person you would like to marry. If you want a Muslim lady; frequent the mosque and all Islamic functions. Make it a habbit to rotate the mosques you attend for prayers. Be the first there and the last to leave. And of course, visit Muslim schools so that you have wide choice.
Also read: Why and who to marry? part 1
The same thing for a Christian partner. Start with the Church. Frequent it for your prayers. Go to different Churches for mass. Rotate them. And where you find the person you think your heart jumps a bit (in Secondary school speak), go there often including attending the daily masses (if they are there). Make sure the parish priests take note of your face. Join the choir. Be a serious member and ask the Priest to introduce you to the girl of your dreams. It requires such boldness. For all religions do likewise.
And if you want a rich girl, go to where they are likely to be – high-end places.
A mentee told me that he needs a girl from a great family. He needed ideas. I told him to go to places where such girls frequent – don’t go to high-end bars and happening places – the girls there may not be marriage material. But go to places like airports (if you cannot travel), go to places where air tickets are sold. If you can travel, go to any holiday destination. Most of the time I travel for holiday with my wife, we come across the A class families of Kampala we would have to pay a fortune to meet in any place in Kampala. But meeting such people in say Bangkok, they are just ordinary. Buying street food. Taking selfies and of course being bored. They need company. Most of the time.
The rule is simple, want to marry – make a clear profile of the person to be. And identify where the person would like to be. Don’t count so much to find a person at your place of work. As some HR policies discourage it and plus you could be reported for sexual harassment! However, you are free to visit other companies and peeping around.
Some people need village mates or tribe mates and such ‘biases’. If so, attend your district functions and forums at Universities, churches and districts. You will be surprised by the kind of people you meet. For me, I went to the wedding meeting. Someone who has time to attend a wedding meeting for a friend, has a heart for others.
With that you will have a who to marry.
Let me go backwards.
Why to marry
This is the first question you must ask. Why do you marry? To have children? To be seen to have settled down? Or just to have someone to enjoy sex any time you feel like? Or to have a companion to face life with in good times or bad times.
It is important to answer the why? Most enduring marriages answer the why with “to have a companion to face life with in good times or bad times.” This means they look at their partner as a peer and not someone of a lower level.
If you just want children, you could adopt or get a machinery to produce you one. If you just want sex served hot, any time any place, go get yourself a prostitute whose mindset is ready for one-off gigs. No strings attached. No emotions. Just business and that is it. Why do you marry? That is the critical first question to answer. And then proceed to the who, as explained above.
I wish you success in your marriage.
Copyright 2019. Mustapha B Mugisa.
Very great article. How much to speak to couples in our church group?