Why do marriage relationships fail, part 1

  Today, a friend of mine of over 10 years called complaining about his husband. Immediately after the lockdown, her husband just disappeared. She


Today, a friend of mine of over 10 years called complaining about his husband. Immediately after the lockdown, her husband just disappeared. She tried to call him in vain. After 12 hours of no contact, she got concerned and had to enlist the help of the private investigator, who helped her open a disappeared person police file.

After three days of investigations, the man’s mobile phone ping indicated he was in Jinja town. On further inquiries, the investigator discovered that is where he was born. The investigator travelled to Jinja and traced him at the family home in the village. And found the man there. To make sure that he adds value to his client, the private investigator put the man on 12-hours surveillance in case he had a girlfriend or another woman in the village. He got nothing.

Satisfied that the man’s routine is farming and looking after his animals and chicken farm, he compiled a report and got his payment of about US $3,000!  Remember this is during #covid19 times. Such payment by a family is a lot. Before compiling the report, the investigator met with the man and explained that he had been reported as disappeared by his wife. So good to know that everything is fine. And wished him success, with tongue in cheek for having helped him get business.

Marriages and relationships fail due to a lack of effective communication. By effective, I mean timely and clear communication.

There is a common tendency of some partners thinking that telling your other half about your plans is a sign of weakness. I do not think so. I think it is a sign of disrespect and it is unfortunate. I find updating your partner about key milestones in your day or week as respectful and that is what confident and mature adults do.

Remember, marriage is not war or political game, where holding informing and making surprise moves is a winning strategy. On the contrary, sharing information and discussing plans promotes family cohesion and makes a healthy relationship.

The rule is simple, update your partner in case your normal routine will be different. I find it odd for someone to leave their partner at home. Drive over 80 kilometres and stay away for more than three days without informing their partner. It is totally unfortunate. Imagine you get involved in an accident while on the trip, how would someone know that you never arrived? Even if you are a Muslim with more than three wives, you should be able to inform your other partners about your ‘schedules’ such that they know what is going on. It is a sign of confidence, not weakness.

Now the family lost the US $3,000 net worth in hiring a private investigator because the man forgot or failed to say, I will be going to the village (even if the detail of at the farm is not added)! The result is someone getting worried. Making phone calls that cannot go through because of the poor network upcountry. And by the time the man remembered to visit a nearby trading centre to charge the phone, it was too late. The investigation was already in high gear. And even then, the man did not call the family to inform them.

That is just one example of the impact of poor communication among partners. To win in your relationships, try to be open. Communicate. Communicate when you are not in the mood for sex. communicate when you are in the mood for sex. communicate when your partner does something that puts you off. Communicate when you are not feeling fine. Communicate when you are happy. Communicate when your partner does something that puts you on. Communicate when you are going on a trip.  Communicate when you arrive. Communicate when you are expected to return. Communicate when you are delayed. Communicate when you feel like eating meat. Communicate when you disagree about how to invest the money. Communicate when you do not have money and show your vision and plans to make the money and enjoy life. Communicate…

In marriage or relationships, communication is more about affirmation and not necessarily about information. The other party wants to know whether you value their contribution, beauty, or handsomeness.  For example, just saying to your man “you are hot, and I love your hug”, could give him a glass full of ego for the whole week. And if you added, “love, I enjoy the way you make love to me,” you would make him smile. Happy relationship is a series of small doses of affirmations that keep the love glass full. If you stop, the glass empties. That is why, every day, find something good to comment and use a five-minute bedtime to just talk.  Look at your partner and talk about the future, family, and good old days and experiences as low volume music play in the background.

Remember, occasionally, even confident people will become insecure. In this busy world characterized by mobile phones, it is easy for someone to lose their sparkle. It is a human condition to feel the need to be closer to their partner. To be loved. To be embraced or hugged. To be made to feel important and secure, etc. communication – both verbal and non-verbal is critical. In relationships, non-verbal communication is recommended, and it demonstrates love and cares better. Talk is cheap, you know.

Communication is what closes the gap between two people. Imagine two places separated by a large river. To move across from one place to another, you build a bridge. I can, therefore, say, communication is a bridge between two people. Without it, the places will be close, but it is difficult to move from one place to another. That is what happens when you are in a marriage with someone you do not communicate easily with.

If you do not communicate, how do you expect your partner to support you and work with you to grow? Even if you plan to marry multiple partners on either side, the one or ones you have, make sure you communicate.

I know you are saying never tell your partner all your moves, else you become a bore. Ok, keep the good surprises. Surprise your partner with a birthday party. A wedding outing. And give your partner time.

Remember, without communication, partners tend to do guesswork about what could be going on. It is this guesswork or believes due to lack of trust, that break relationships. Take an example of a partner who upon returning from work, receives a phone call. Before greeting the family, you continue talking on the phone. If your partner has some suspicions or mistrust, they may think you are now talking with your girlfriend. After the call, you may also ignore and assume all is fine. That is a small grudge kept. In future, such a grudge could become a relationship breaker if it were not released! Now imagine if you had explained that “I am just reaching home. Let me call you in a few minutes.” And continued to first give attention to your family. Each partner has their model of managing their marriage, but make it work

That is why someone with four men keeps them happy but a man with just one wife makes her life miserable. Why? Lack of communication.

I know this issue is a tough one. I would appreciate your take.

What top two things would you not tell your partner and why?

Do not forget to take the magnetic love test, to assess how magnetic is your love life and the extent it can go. Success. #staysafe.

Copyright Mustapha B Mugisa, 2020. All rights reserved.

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